69 Maxims on Modern Dating
Don’t think of it as “emotional labor”; think of it as “mandatory emotional fun.”
1. The recipe for a perfect relationship has three crucial components: a good attitude, assertiveness, and ambition.
2. Keep your skin clear and bathe every day.
3. But don’t sweat those flaws you can’t control, whether it be a blemish, a baldpate, your love handles, or a glandular kind of issue. You should do the same toward your partner, and a partner worth your time and energy will do the same toward you. Is there anything sexier than fairness? For our present purposes, no.
4. Observe proper grammar. Not because you will sound more put-together, but to be able to express yourself clearly and directly.
5. Honesty is key. Have at least a general idea of what you want to get out of a relationship and be upfront about it. Any pain from honesty is mitigated by its time-saving practicality for the both of you.
6. Don’t get caught up in purely physical or aesthetic attraction. That way, a potential partner loses their identity to become a blank canvas for your own misplaced ideas, hopes, and fantasies. Normally they don’t enjoy that!
7. Related to the fifth maxim, don’t waste anyone’s time, know when something doesn’t have promise.
8. But also know when to be flexible, to feel something out. If it doesn’t work, that’s fine! Remember to be grateful for the experience and to let your soon-to-be-former potential partner know that you’re grateful.
9. Have a good grasp of what your core values are, even if a core value is the unimportance of having core values.
10. It’s okay to apply certain political or social attitudes to your dating criteria, but if your partner didn’t make their views clear ahead of time, and they aren’t to your liking, listen politely, don’t get fazed, and try to learn something.
11. At the same time, never lose sight of your values and comfort levels.
12. But when an opportunity comes along for you to let loose, don’t be afraid to take it rather than regret not taking it later.
13. A good judge of compatibility with a potential partner is about overlap in core values, but also the mutual discovery of hidden passions and wants.
14. A first date should be like a one-act matinée play: not too long, not too deep, filled with natural and witty dialogue, centered on a frivolous but plot-centering activity, and ending with the formation of a private but not esoteric joke.
15. Confidence, like honesty, is essential. If you don’t value yourself highly, your partner will not value you highly either. Worse, you will make your partner feel like they have bad taste in humanity.
16. But don’t be overconfident, either. Grandiose claims are lies. It’s not a matter as to whether or not a partner of worth will discover those lies, but whether they will maturely part ways with you, an effortlessly exposed liar, or make you prove them for their amusement.
17. If, on the other hand, you have baggage or things you’re ashamed of, don’t get hung up on them. Feel out the situation. If you feel comfortable with a partner after a reasonable period of time, the moment for perfect honesty and vulnerability will present itself.
18. The ability to laugh at yourself is more valuable than being funny. Very few are the latter, but most people have good reason for the former.
19. When you find yourself forcing anything—a date, a personality trait, physical contact—it’s time to cut loose. The sooner and less painful, the better.
20. Only be good when you mean it.
21. That moment where everything begins to flow naturally will come when you least expect it. When you notice it, don’t mark it or acknowledge it; just go with it.
22. The urge to orchestrate a grand gesture to impress a partner is a natural one to have, but one that should be properly channeled to make your partner feel included rather than put-upon or singled out.
23. For example, if your partner is being pestered by a neighbor’s dog, don’t buy them a dog as a surprise, as rom-com logic dictates. Instead, develop a special mixology course you can both do so you can learn to share, grow, as dispose of problems as a team.
24. Getting to know your partner’s friends is an important step to solidifying your place in your partner’s life. Plus, even if they aren’t your kind of people, it’s good to get out of your bubble and to be presentable.
25. Having a sense of adventure, outdoors and in, has great value, but also one that should be built on trust and a conception of each other’s limitations.
26. That said, an increasing willingness to go one or more steps beyond previously assumed limits is a sign of a bond gaining in strength.
27. Spontaneity is as much a science as it is an art. Even working without a plan requires some basic planning: knowing spatial capacities, exit locations, sonic distances, access to side-roads.
28. Developing trust is an ongoing project that requires its separate sub-steps, but assume your partner will try to guess your passwords and peak behind your screens. This need not be malicious, but conduct yourself accordingly.
29. If you’re curious, ask. If they are curious, make sure you’re comfortable and don’t shy away. They will understand if you’re not and will have patience.
30. A culinary skill is essential in a relationship. If one or both of you are lacking, however, all the better, and you can learn! Share your likes and dislikes—and also their allergies. Appeal to each other’s adventurous sides. Make it interesting, unpredictable.
31. It bears repeating that style points alone do not a fulfilling relationship make. You should be comfortable to show your less-flattering selves.
32. But there are limits to that! Just because you can wear Adidas flip-flops or clogs for most occasions, doesn’t mean you should. Cultivating a style means also cultivating a sensitive receptor of personal embarrassment.
33. Feel free to give small surprise gifts. It shouldn’t be too ostentatious or expensive, but very simple, elegant, and with sentimental value: a card with a thoughtful note or free-verse, a favorite book from when you were young, a taxidermied animal, a necklace or ring with a tooth.
34. If you find yourself in conflict with one or more of the members of your partner’s friend group, don’t sow unnecessary conflict. Be calm, be direct, let them know you want an equitable but ideally final outcome.
35. If, on the other hand, you suspect one or more members of their friend group of being toxic, make your case as cogently as you can, with respect and with evidence.
36. For the most tension-free results, it helps to work a problem out with a fun activity, like hiking or hatchet-throwing, or both where appropriate!
37. A great way to work through lingering tensions is to work on a craft project together that commands skill, discipline, and trust. For example, you could construct an oblong box, a sensory deprivation tub, or a carefully located multipurpose storage space.
38. Jogging is a healthy activity not to be discouraged. Group jogging builds self-confidence and communal bonds. Couples jogging, to be justified, taxes our civilization’s supply of irony.
39. Never underappreciate the small treasures with your partner. There’s a simple joy in exchanging memes and GIFs over text messages throughout the day; or interesting photos you’ve taken of yourself and/or others.
40. It’s so important to share. Keep a diary or scrapbook for the both of you. Fill it with your mutual hopes and desires: things you want to see, feel, or taste; a catalog of the various flame accelerants from most subtle to most magnificent. Use it to be upfront about your feelings after having sought out each desire. There must be no misunderstanding between you and your partner.
41. Keep things hot by avoiding repetition. Never have just one special meeting place, safe word, or nom de guerre.
42. Make time for some “quirky” dates: go to a burlesque show, visit an old-time photography shop on the boardwalk, crash a child’s birthday party, crash a funeral.
43. It goes without saying that if you contributed to the funeral in any way, you still have to be respectful and humble.
44. Something is only “creepy” when you’re focused too much on what the majority of people think and find pleasing and not the one person who is looking right at you.
45. Don’t think of it as “emotional labor”; think of it as “mandatory emotional fun.”
46. Be up front about your hobbies; especially those hobbies that are a little more than hobbies—more, even, than passions—but commitments from a place into which few can see and a distance from which few can hear.
47. Embrace compromise. Your partner might share your passions and values but might not enjoy them at the same pace. You might be fast and ferocious; they might be meticulous and measured. Try to meet them halfway.
48. Don’t fret when a partner is a bit shy or reserved. Sometimes a partner is like a human Advent calendar who will reveal their private treasures in due course. Other times, a partner is in emotional solitary confinement and needs to be pushed out of their self-imposed sheltering and complacency. Determine which type they are and act accordingly.
49. Don’t be put-off if a partner has religious values. Keep and open mind, engage with them, anoint a public school with the Lord’s purifying flame.
50. Meeting the family of your partner is nerve-wracking! But all previous maxims apply: confidence, honesty, and good humor will see you through. Be attentive above all. Get to know their interests, their values, their daily routines, their clothing sizes, their weight and dimensions.
51. Words need to be backed up by actions. When it comes time to commit, your word is not enough. Show your partner the depths, the lengths, and all the other extremities to which your commitment can reach.
52. Anxiety is a natural condition when pursuing relationships, but it needs to be managed like everything else. Apply your anxious energy to something more productive or proactive. Or you can rationalize your anxiety until it is about as exciting as renewing your driver’s license.
53. Visible tattoos are a sign of weakness and bad character. Concealed tattoos are a sign of reasonable shame and flexibility.
54. Ask yourself: Would you take a bullet for your partner? It doesn’t look that bad. Not to stray dogs anyway.
55. Sarcasm, by the way, is not a “language.” It’s not even attractive. I, a well-credentialed relationship expert, am baffled by this.
56. Sometimes your partner will feel overwhelmed and it helps to give them space. Usually it’s more caring and sensible to preempt it than to be told that they need it. I don’t know why, it just sound disingenuous.
57. But when they need your help, step up and have a plan. A marionette show of their parents will help relieve stress, process trauma, demonstrate your skills and ingenuity, and bring you closer together.
58. Be creative when giving larger gifts. A head well-proportioned can fit neatly into a bowling bag, provided it is lined to protect leakage beforehand and your partner has some previous interest in bowling.
59. Take pleasure in the work that you must do and your partner will take pleasure and cheering you on to do your best!
60. Being controlling is not the same thing as being assertive. Trust your partner. It can be fun to let them take charge and accelerate an experience while you take a backseat.
61. Establish nonverbal as well as verbal cues for you and your partner. The hardest times in a relationship are when words are either not enough or far too much in a given moment.
62. Travel is a great activity to undertake with your partner. Sometimes it’s expensive and overwhelming, and it requires more incentive than doing it for its own sake. Narrow your options. You’ll find that a few regions of the United States, Canada, and Eastern Europe have no specific prohibitions against or any arbitrary restrictions on “blood play” in any scenario of which your imagination can conceive.
63. It’s important to know when therapy is right for you. It’s just as important to know when it’s not; such as when it becomes too costly or the therapist’s advice doesn’t respect your personal truth and inflexible desires.
64. Be sure to get clear—preferably written or recorded—consent before enacting a suicide pact.
65. Self-deprecation is charming in concept. Self-deprecation is a crude, mutually wounding explosive device in practice.
66. Accept that not every moment will be perfect. Mistakes will be made, risks will backfire, some situations will require more cleanup than you thought. So be prepared.
67. When times are lean, or the world feels like it’s closing in on you, it’s okay to lean on your partner who will feel this with you. Take a deep breath and sort out the things in your lives that are expendable.
68. When you cause hurt or make a mistake, own up to it, apologize, and promise to do better the next time. And the time after that. And the time after that. And the time after that until you forget how many times you’ve done it.
69. Manage your expectations. Don’t let them get too high or you’ll be disappointed. Don’t keep them too low or you’ll keep yourself from having fun.