Couples Discount Lobotomy

And other examples of heterosexual camp.

Many an intrepid adventurer have gone out in search of those traits that compose “heterosexual camp.” They have plumbed the psychical depths, combed the cultural archives, and terraformed the emotional ecosphere. Few have returned with their sanity; none have returned with results.

Until now.

What, you might ask, makes me different? Is it that my madness anticipates the adventure? That would explain much. But I’d prefer to think it’s a matter of difference in approach. Your typical adventurer has only the most noble of intentions. He risks his life and mind in honest scientific pursuit. The data he seeks to extract will have only the best use for mankind. Knowledge is power, progress is inevitable, etc., etc.

Fuck that.

Who gives a shit about benefiting mankind? I’m more like Krampus. The data are more like abominable children. It is my folkloric obligation to extract them from their comfy homes and transport them into my oven and down my monstrous gullet like so many Olive Garden breadsticks. Are these regurgitations, then, the truest, most genuine and verifiable traits of heterosexual camp? Or are these the gastric convulsions of madness? You’ll have to take my word for it that these are very delicious fruits of cultural awareness.

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• Richard Nixon on the beach

• Norwegian black metal

• Thomas Carlyle’s prose

• Ayn Rand’s haircut

• Elvira’s bra size

• the country of Wales

• Dennis Hopper in Blue Velvet

• Buc-ee’s idolatry

• David Koresh on fire

• Hope Solo’s arrest record

• Kennedys born after Chappaquiddick

• Dennis Hopper in Speed

• The Department of the Interior

• Anita Bryant, as singer and activist

• Seth Putnam, as divorcee and coma patient

• couples discount lobotomy

• wearing cowboy boots in New Jersey

• R. Budd Dwyer-inspired songs

• liking children

Wow, congrats on making it this far! 🎉🎉🎉

• Pete Buttigieg’s neckties

• “My cousin owns an AR-15, so …”

• Apartheid

• hating children

• exvangelicals

• vegan straight edge

• couples discount learned helplessness

• dubious probable cause

• airplane hijacking

• Pope Leo XIV

• the Argentine side of the Falklands War

• “retarded”

• women who like Barstool

• R. Budd Dwyer “commemorative” t-shirts

• Dennis Hopper in Super Mario Bros.

• nuclear first-strike

Way to prove to your ex that you’re not, in fact, a commitmentphobe … at least where bits are concerned.

• ethnic cleansing girls trips

• Garden State

• men who read Andrea Dworkin

• “consulting”

• family annihilation

• coveting thy neighbor’s goods, specifically his air fryer

• “slop”

• correcting “drink the Kool Aid” as “drink the Flavor Aid”

• “the ‘90s”

• “sponsored by Dude Wipes™️”

• boring sex positions

• Queen Elizabeth II

• brutalist sex positions

• Yukio Mishima’s head

• sex positions designed to prove an abstract point to an absent party

• R. Budd Dwyer

• “My uncle made a snuff film niche market extreme bondage documentary in Romania and got me school credit as an intern, so …”

• same-sex intercourse to prove an abstract point to your 10th grade geometry teacher, watching on Zoom from an iPad propped up on the motel dresser, who’s happy for you and all but just wants to know how you got his number

• Elizabeth Short’s smile

• face-painting

Thus concludes this definitive inventory of heterosexual camp. If you have your own examples of heterosexual camp, please repress them. They are not canon. 🤗