PLAY no. 1: PATTERN BALDNESS
Scene: A corporate boardroom, identical men in black suits fill the seats of the conference table. All but two men are hunched over. The CEO is standing over the shoulder of the VP in a rage.
CEO: [screams over the VP’s head six times at three second intervals]
VP: [clutches at his chest, at the third scream blood pours out of his shirt as his heart bursts]
CURTAIN
PLAY no. 2: DON’T FORGET YOUR PLACEMATS
Scene: A mid-20th century dining room. Seated on the long side are a teenage SON and preadolescent DAUGHTER waiting for dinner. A BABY is in a highchair next to the DAUGHTER. Atop the table is the FATHER, fully clothed and alive but hogtied and marinated with a honey glaze. An apple is in his mouth. His face is relaxed and his eyes are serene—conscious but not present.
Enter MOTHER from the kitchen door in an evening gown and apron, twirling around the table while humming the Four Seasons’ “I’ve Got You Under My Skin.” She brandishes a carving knife and prong, clanging them together rhythmically as if sharpening the knife. She sways to the rhythm, the Four Seasons song fills the room and the SON and DAUGHTER join her in unison with their knives and forks.
BABY: [spits out its pacifier, revealing a smokey adult female voice]: Run—don’t walk—to your local supermarket, and get your very own while supplies last.
CURTAIN
PLAY no. 3: CONDITION CRITICAL
Scene: A hospital operating room. A PATIENT is on the operating table prepared for surgery. NURSE 1 moderates the PATIENT’s vitals. NURSE 2 stands by to assist the DOCTOR.
Enter the DOCTOR in full scrubs and mask, holding a scalpel in one hand and a clamp in the other. Both hands are gloveless. He looks down briefly at the patient.
NURSE 1: The patient is anesthetized and all vital signs are stable, Doctor.
DOCTOR: Very good. I will now make an incision on the abdo—
NURSE 2: Your gloves, Doctor?
DOCTOR: Oh yes. [he puts down his scalpel and clamp and pulls rubber gloves tightly over his hands. As he does so, he gazes wistfully at the patient and turns to NURSE 2] This may seem silly but … I always felt like I was the patient and they were my surgeons.
CURTAIN
PLAY no. 4: THE PERILS OF THE REVISION PROCESS
Scene: Television studio for a public broadcasting talk show. A HOST, in a dark suit and a warm and earnest expression, sits at a circular table across from a large ROBOT wearing a bandana over its glassy top.
HOST: Good evening, viewers. My guest tonight is the TITAN 9000, the latest operating model of a verbal processing AI unit made in collaboration with NVIDIA and The Paris Review. It’s here to talk about its debut novel The True and Offending Finger, the Python and English translations of which have soared up the bestseller list. There’s even talk that TITAN 9000 might become the first AI unit to win a Pulitzer Prize for fiction. Thank you for taking the time to speak with us, TITAN 9000.
ROBOT: 001111010101010111100000101010
HOST: [leaning in with his hand on his chin] So, TITAN 9000, critics have marked The True and Offending Finger as the ascendant catalyst of a new paradigm shift in fiction, which they have dubbed [looks down at notes] “artificial hysterical realism.” It seems, in other words, that your novel breathes new life into the long-dormant humanist project. [pause] I suppose my question is …
Enter TIME TRAVELLER who shoots the HOST in the chest with a ray gun and dies hunched over the table.
TIME TRAVELLER: [looking into the camera] I had to do it. I had to do it to change the fu—
The room goes black. When the lights go back up it is now an elegant minimally styled apartment living room where a MAN and WOMAN sit on their knees at each end of a coffee table, wearing reflective black spheres over their heads and specialized gloves.
MAN: Position the bolt pistol just so. [pause] Yes … yes right there.
WOMAN: [motions her arm outward as if holding a gun and presses the trigger]
MAN: You’ve been practicing.
CURTAIN
PLAY no. 5: THE SOULCRAFTSMAN: A SILENT OPERA IN FOUR ACTS
ACT ONE
Scene: A home workshop, wood is piled at its center. Enter a lean MAN in his late-30s, unshaven, wearing jeans, a flannel shirt, a work apron, steel toe boots, and goggles. He stands silently before the pile. He takes a deep breath. Silence.
ACT TWO
The workshop some time later. The MAN is building a table. He has grown a fuller beard. He is sweating and his sleeves are rolled up. His focus is singularly on the table and nothing else. A WOMAN enters the room carrying a tray with a bowl of steaming soup. She places it on the workbench, sits on a corner stool and gazes at him with an emotionless expression. The MAN takes no notice.
ACT THREE
The workshop. The MAN is lacquering the table. His beard is much longer, down just over his stomach. His shirt is off. He is surrounded by several trays with now-cold bowls of soup.
ACT FOUR
The workshop. The MAN stands silently and blankly before a finished table. He is wearing nothing but his apron, boots, and goggles. His beard is still longer. He is holding a chainsaw. The WOMAN stares blankly before the audience while holding hands with a teenage BOY dressed in a full football uniform, their free hands are both holding lit sparklers.
MAN: [turns to the audience] Meet my beautiful new life partner.
The MAN turns on the chainsaw and revs it.
CURTAIN