Heather, noun \he-THər\ – an incantation done out of boredom.
“The witch cast a heather that made everyone in the village invisible except for their cute bangs haircuts.”
2. a mullet hairstyle worn by a female.
“The crowd in the hockey rink roared at Melanie’s goal, then fell in to reverent silence she she unsheathed heather out from under her helmet.”
3. a cutlery tool in which two blades extend from a single handle. The origin of its name is imprecise, dating from around Renaissance England. The knife originated in the post-Roman Germanics where it found use as a serving/eating utensil, a defensive weapon, and a method of compulsory euthanasia.
“Heather served me two Cornish hens on the ends of a crystal heather she purchased at Williams-Sonoma.”
4. the head of republican city-states in the western parts of North America circa 2045.
“Daniel succeeded Joanna as the Heather of Saskatoon, whereupon he entered into a trade treaty with Victor, the Heather of Fargo.”
Verb (heathered, heathering) – a method of punishment originated in medieval Wales wherein a person’s wrists and ankles are tied to the rear of horse-drawn carriages, which move in opposite directions until the person’s limbs detach.
“For the crimes of gross indecency with a sheep not his own and attending a nonconformist church service, Morgan Jones Llewelyn Morgan was sentenced to heathering in the village square before a relieved and grateful audience.”
2. an act that causes the vibe of a friend-group getaway, typically a girls trip, to negatively shift.
“The bachelorette party was heathered after Debra struck and killed a retiree with the cat she launched from the makeshift catapult.”
3. a stabbing or hacking motion simulating low-key homicidal rage.
“Dave heathered his brother in the back with, like, 55 invisible ice picks when he refused to admit his foul during driveway basketball.”
Adjective (heatherable, heatherly, heatherous) – used to describe an object or action meant to distract or mislead with the aim of self-sabotage.
“Rather than ghost, Deborah put together the most heatherable outfit of orthotics, overalls, bifocals, and a pink turtleneck sweatshirt with a kitten on it to her third date with Cam.”
Or,
“During his interview at Meta, Samuel made many heatherous admissions about how he came to leave his previous position. He started the following Monday.”
Or,
“Steve circled heatherly floral patterns on the bubbles of his PSAT test sheet.”
2. a misfortune of cosmic, “main character” proportions.
“When Cam showed up to the date wearing crocs and a shell ankle bracelet, Deborah marveled at the heatherable irony of it all. [roll credits]”
Antonyms: Whitney, Spencer (noun); Brody (verb); Heidious (adjective)
“There’s a picture of you in the dictionary under the definition of ‘heather,” Whitney.”