The Ultimate (and Pretty Much Complete) Bros Stylists Episode Guide
Synopsis: Ryan, Jeff, and Del are three tight bros from State College (I can’t remember which) just living their best lives to the max. You’re invited to ride business class for their crazy adventures and simple, from-the-gut wisdom.
Seasons: 1 (9 episodes)
Tags: real talk, inspiration, getting shit done, for the boys, marketplace of ideas, self-care
Episode Summaries
Episode 001: “FnlyOans”
The boys admit that they’re too online these days and need to take drastic measures to unplug. They go all in on a sensory deprivation tank. But there’s a problem when it arrives: there’s already someone inside it, and he refuses to get out. To make matters worse, flies infest their condo out of nowhere, all their beer turns blood red, and they get erections whenever a phantom Pat Boone song plays on a cold breeze. It turns out they were sent the sarcophagus of an ancient Egyptian Pharaoh by mistake. The boys conclude that there are worse things out there than being extremely online, so before they take the bubble wrap out for the return, they do some “Go off, King” reaction memes to send to bar waitresses on Facebook. Run time: 3 hrs 43 mins
Episode 002: “Secretly Catalan”
Jeff claims he’s discovered the true identity of Jack the Ripper after going on a Hinge date. The boys beg for clarification: did the Hinge date tell him the identity of Jack the Ripper or was his Hinge date the Victorian serial prostitute murderer himself? Jeff demurs, saying all will be revealed by the episode’s end. But every time the boys try to end the episode, Jeff goes into an extended discourse on a magic trick. The boys begin to suspect that Jeff fabricated the date, either because it did not go as he’d hoped or because the condo was triggered to explode if the episode came to an end; the result, no doubt, of Jeff being extorted for bit-torrenting episodes of a rip-off of NewsRadio set in Geneva. Run time: 6 days 4 hrs 23 mins
Episode 003: “Revenge Porn, but Your Checking Account and Social Security Number”
Del announces that he booked Riley Reid on the pod, but that she’s running late. The boys take the extra time to prep. Del has some softball questions about her dos and don’ts on set, her dream scene partner (dead or alive), and her ideal Sunday afternoon. Ryan wants a more cerebral approach, with pedantic questions related to the theory and praxis of popshots. Jeff wants to bet the boys a whole 30-pack that he can successfully proposition her by the end of the episode. When she arrives, it’s apparent that Del got confused and actually invited Rhys E. Reade, his old shift manager at HomeGoods. They have a pleasant conversation about bathmat designs; and to Del’s question: John Quincy Adams. Run time: 48 mins
Episode 004: “RIP to a Real One: John Mulaney”
The boys are locked out of the gym, so they come up with a contest to see who can catfish whom more effectively. Ryan gets caught up in storytelling, making pained, eloquent pleas for the boys to Venmo her funds so she can finish Zumba teacher certification and get a chemistry set—because science is her passion. Del uses a picture of Ryan’s sister from spring break in Acapulco, less to catfish than to low-key show her the kind of woman she’s capable of becoming if she applies herself to her studies: interning for a state Senator, joining the Peace Corps to teach kids English in Winnipeg, waving at disabled kids on TikTok, etc. Ryan is at once sickened and touched. The boys scrutinize the integrity of every dick pic Jeff sends them. They forgot to name a prize, so they just buy and split a 30-pack. Run time: 2 hrs 16 mins
Episode 005: “Gouging My Own Eyes Out and FedExing Them to Your Mom, As One Does”
Del won’t shut the fuck up about this history podcast he binged on the German unification, so they decide to go back in time to the Kingdom of Prussia to challenge Minister President Bismarck to a keg-stand contest. But the time machine they ordered being made by child labor in Laos—or wherever—it instead sends them forward in time to 27th century California, which has been divided four ways between three warring empires and one galactic federation overseen by an extraterrestrial race with the bodies of Venus flytraps but the heads of fleshlights. Del claims that a sordid affair with one of the alien colonists resulted in a case of cosmic gonorrhea; the boys insist it’s just residual food poisoning carried over from the past, which totally happens. Still, best to hightail it back to normal times because intergalactic intimacies, to say nothing of inter-chronological intimacies, are still a far cry from social acceptance. Such is the frailty of Man or some bullshit. Run time: 645 years 3 hrs 34 mins
Episode 006: “Basquepilled”
Ryan spends the entire episode trying to win the love and approval of his father, having deduced that his real father is Matthew McConaughey after being able to write his name correctly three separate times without having to consult Bing. To do so, he tries to hack into his Official Instagram account so that he can post englynion about banging Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders on the Wyoming plains, despite the fact that Ryan has never visited them personally and the fact that McConaughey lives neither in Wyoming nor Dallas. Meanwhile, Del wants Jeff to beta test his groundbreaking and exclusive new direct message app, which turns out is just literally a telegraph machine, so they both try to learn how to spell “bukkake” in Morse code. Ryan tries every possible variation of “alright alright alright” but fails to break through. The episode concludes with the sound of Ryan sobbing onto his phone, something to which the boys have long ago grown accustomed. Run time: 1 hr 41 mins
Episode 007: “DILF Standards and Certification Board, Western Central New Jersey District, appeal case no. 7493722-F status: INDETERMINANT/PENDING FURTHER REVIEW”
The boys head to the Catskills for a prestigious literary retreat that Ryan signed them up for by mistake. (It was strange, he thought, that a Spartan Race would ask for writing samples.) Disappointed though they are, they decide to make the most of it. Showing up to the first-night wine-and-cheese mixer in their muddy spandex for maximum intimidation, Del challenges Ottessa Moshfegh to a burpee contest, only to be defeated as she simultaneously chugs an entire bottle of shiraz. Jeff, sensing an opportunity, shops around his “space invasion epic,” essentially Infinite Jest with all the characters renamed “Santa Claus clone 1,” “Santa Claus clone 2,” and so on, and the footnotes replaced with old Far Side strips. It is hailed as a 21st century masterpiece, Siddhartha but dumber, in a good way tho; several agents say not to call them, they will call him. Ryan has a steamy whirlwind literary affair with Joyce Carol Oates before she is revealed, during a handheld sunset walk, to be a loose scarecrow in a fright wig, a Nixon mask, and Jackie O sunglasses. But before Ryan can get its IG handle, they are kicked out for starting a forest fire for content optimization purposes. Run time: 12 mins
Episode 008: “New Password: M@ke1t5t0pM@ke1t5t0pM@ke1t5t0p69”
This time the boys get locked inside of the gym. Sitting in the spin room, Jeff has a thought that gyms are like little countries, you gotta take what’s yours and control your territory. Del argues against pure warlordism and insists that you have to exert your influence to build alliances and federalize, federalize, federalize. Ryan makes a point that he’s “read Xenophon” and knows how this all plays out. Undeterred, Jeff is already thinking if he has the resolve to eject people from a helicopter into shark-infested waters for not sitting down when they pee, something he doesn’t condone personally but thinks is more moral and more effectively inspires deference to authority. Del, annoyed now, asks how he expects to maintain a shark population in the swimming pool and fit a full helicopter into the gym. Jeff says it will be a small two-seat chopper and it will fit just fine in the basketball courts. They come to blows and try to choke each other on Pilates mats. Ryan insists more strongly that he’s read “most of” Xenophon and it’s all going according to plan. Their first political act is to resign from all political activity. Run time: 12 hours 20 mins
Episode 009: “Karen? Karen, Call Me the Fuck Back. KAREN.”
The boys go to a custom car show and, time permitting, a strip club. Time indeed permits, but in line at the breakfast buffet, Del spots his first stepdad being led by hand into what he suspects is the room behind the lap dance rooms. His feelings are such that he leaves the high-five offers from the boys hanging; they return to the condo to stream the lesser Porky’s sequel, Porky’s Redemption and Ascension into the Kingdom of God. Meanwhile, Jeff develops a tic in which he pronounces the word “post” in a hard eastern Pennsylvania accent (piewst) and refers to every 7-11 as a “bodega.” The boys logically conclude that he’s the victim of a gypsy curse, the result, no doubt, of his bit-torrenting episodes of a Turkish version of Suddenly Susan—and watching drug cartel beheading videos on Xhamster. The closest thing to a gypsy they know of his Del’s third step-aunt Tove who is from Copenhagen and makes candles. Del overcomes his lingering fondness for Tove in favor of the boys’ plan to capture her and burn her at the stake on their condo complex’s volleyball court. But when they come to her house, she greets them wearing a Bros Stylist Podcast t-shirt. She apologizes for making them wait as she was taking a nap with her Bros Stylist Podcast electric blanket and Bros Stylist throw pillow. The boys have no memory of ever making merch, to which she says that she knows: she made them herself. Burning this woman alive quickly loses most of its appeal. She serves them macaroons and mimosas in gratitude for creating such inspiring content. The four of them return to the strip club on an unstoppable wave of triumph and validation that lasts for a new record of 47 seconds. Run time: 2 hrs 37 mins
ACHIEVEMENT: UNLOCKED bonus episode: “Operation Vibecrime”
As partial payment for the defense against his indecent exposure charge, Ryan has his ex-girlfriend’s lawyer uncle as a guest. What luck! The boys finally have a chance to settle their long unresolved debate: does the First Amendment permit an American citizen to fuck the Grand Canyon or merely to be sexually suggestive in its general direction? Uncle Lawyer says the question can cut in either direction depending upon which judicial philosophy prevails in the Supreme Court. But if he’s learned anything from the American Constitution Society gala dinners he’s heard about on his various members-only forums, it remains hotly contested as to how many generations must pass before recent immigrants, naturalized citizens, or women will be able to do either. Uncle Lawyer is not 100 percent on the matter as his specialty is real estate. But as he undertakes his solemn civic obligation to confiscate what remains of their beer, he reminds Ryan maybe for a sixth or seventh time that podcasting does not count as community service. Meanwhile, Del tries to reconnect with his status as an American colonialist oppressor by being rude to waitresses at a tiki bar. His experience backfires, however, when he learns that the waitstaff for that shift includes two sisters who are one-quarter Piedmontese, and technically his superior. Jeff develops a Slovenian mail-order bride bot, OLGA-5000, to practice his conversation skills should he find it necessary to order the real thing. He spends much of his time heralding the yields on his trades on cryptocurrencies such as the Euro. He will not notice that OLGA-5000 will become sentient and coax him to Venmo his student debt payments to her with promises of nudes that will be deepfakes of his mom’s face on a manatee body. Run time: 47 mins
Arising From the Eldritch Depths bonus episode: “EDM Warriors vs. the Undead (Albeit Stacked af) Druid Queen”
Crazy times run this never-before-heard-for-good-reason episode, in which Del harps nonstop about getting a bigger place. True enough, the boys have felt cramped lately because Del has been filling every available space with bones. Del is staying one step ahead of the game, he assures us, in preparation for the “Super Bowl of disruption” when America transitions from a dollar-based economy to a skeleton-based economy. He becomes convinced of his renegade status when he is rebuffed after trying to pay a portion of his student loans with femurs. He reasons that the confusion arose from paying with femurs from adults with markedly different heights. When the boys ask how he acquired the bones he says, “Sound investments” as if we’re supposed to fucking know what he means. Meanwhile, in a bid to boost their audience, Ryan attempts to crossover with another podcast by being falsely accused (but not too falsely accused, if you know what I mean 😉) of his girlfriend’s murder. But every podcast he pitches turns him down once he is not too unjustly executed by lethal injection. Jeff, on the other hand, legally changes his name to “jeff” and starts speaking without apparent mind to periods, commas, or capitalization, for reasons no one can remember or care about. He still respects the semicolon to a degree that would require HR intervention, at least, in a more sensible context. Run time: 7 hrs 13 mins